Thursday, March 13, 2008

Le Sigh

What do I say what do I do...

I havent written him, not because i havent wanted to or thought about it
i just havent had a moment alone this week...
with family stuff arising, working being rediculas, and going to the concert last night, things havent been normal...
i miss his emails though, and i have checked every morning for one....
he hasnt responded to my last one yet.....that hurt.....probably another reason i have waited.....
i dont even know if he reads this still, since its been awhile since i wrote.....but...heres hoping...

i miss him....

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

im lost....

i am lost and need someone to help me...

its so weird, i can do so many things alone and by myself, i have a great job where i make the choices all day long, i can cook and clean(when i so desire lol) i know what i want to be and how i want to be that person...

however, when it comes to being me, and being happy and making the right choices with love and the such, i get so lost, is S. worth the chance, better yet, is that missing piece worth the chance......loosing him scares me....really scares me....what happens when i lose him and im alone again.....or when i dont have the life i do now.....

but theres so much to gain too.....

so confused...so confused......

Friday, February 29, 2008

Hrmmm

i upset S. today.....not purposely, but i only responded to one of his two emails from yesterday and i didnt open up enough for him...

i talk, i just let it all come out when i talk, i didnt know what to say to his first email because i focused on the second, and my lack of experience and my unnerving ability to not know exactly how to describe what i want or to know how i am.....lack of experience brings a lack of self understanding about part of myself, im still learning and growing on this path and im not sure entirely who i am fully....i am going to write a response to his other email once i am done here, and i will probably write a few more times here tonight.

i doubt i will talk to him tonight, it is friday and i am sure he is spending time with his other half....working tomorrow stops many plans for friday nights, but we do have plans for sunday and monday.....

ahhh music, it is such a way to calm the mind and soul......*looks through her playlist for something to sing to...settles with an old No Doubt Song*

well, with my loud singing girl music, and my head a bit more clear, i am going to go reply to his email.....

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dinner is started and I can stop and think for the hour and a bit till he gets home.....

I am sad when i got get an email from S. in a day.....why it saddens me i do not know...
ha knowing my luck this will last all of 2-3 weeks and he will be gone ......like everyone else other then Solo....

i keep thinking lately that i am going to lose the at weight and i can do it, and i went from being over 300 to under 300 which is amazing to me....
so now all i have to do is get under 200, if i even get a little bit under 200 i would be fucking ecstatic.....no shitting you lol...

im falling for this guy.....S. ....he is more then i expected, seems intelligent, kind, caring, and wanting more then a piece of ass, which means so much more to me....i dont want a piece of ass, if i wanted that then i would either stick with Solo or call someone else, i have options....i dont want that i want more.....oh so much more...

S. wont let me see a picture yet, he hasnt decided if i get to before we meet yet...likes the thought of my nervousness if there is yet to see a picture when we meet.....i dont like that thought...and probably for that sheer fact, now ill have to wait....haha....

Scared

This entire thing scares me, not because I think he will find out and kill me (ok he would never hurt me but you get it)

But because Im scared that Im going to get hurt.....god i am so selfish sometimes, but i dont want to be hurt over it.....i always think i am going to get hurt though no matter what it is.....

le sigh...

i said some things to S. in an email last night that maybe i shouldnt have....i asked questions that i probably shouldnt be thinking of......

but what happens if one or both of us falls and wants to be with the other...full time.....

i also took a few pictures for him ill post them here....show them, i like them and they wont get me in trouble, the only person ill give this too is him....

ill write more later, for now ill go make dinner...

i made a new email today...
ha...
asubmissivesways@live.com nice eh lol...

heres some pictures










Monday, February 25, 2008

The Beginning

Why am i starting this?

Well, lets see, i have been on collar me and bondage.com for 4 years, never really expecting or wanting to find something, but not protesting if i did.
then a year ago i met Solo, we have been together since we met and things are well for the most part....i never ment to look specifically for something, but never stopped looking, if that makes sense...
Now ive met someone, and i know he wont try to break up my relationship or even interupt it as he is in the same situation
but now its real and its scary
but at the same time it is wonderful, because its that new person that i get excited over, and i cant wait to hear from, the excitement and eagerness....

I opened this blog so i can write somewhere where no one else is....and it is wonderful....being able to talk without someone judging...