Hrmmm

i upset S. today.....not purposely, but i only responded to one of his two emails from yesterday and i didnt open up enough for him...

i talk, i just let it all come out when i talk, i didnt know what to say to his first email because i focused on the second, and my lack of experience and my unnerving ability to not know exactly how to describe what i want or to know how i am.....lack of experience brings a lack of self understanding about part of myself, im still learning and growing on this path and im not sure entirely who i am fully....i am going to write a response to his other email once i am done here, and i will probably write a few more times here tonight.

i doubt i will talk to him tonight, it is friday and i am sure he is spending time with his other half....working tomorrow stops many plans for friday nights, but we do have plans for sunday and monday.....

ahhh music, it is such a way to calm the mind and soul......*looks through her playlist for something to sing to...settles with an old No Doubt Song*

well, with my loud singing girl music, and my head a bit more clear, i am going to go reply to his email.....

Dinner is started and I can stop and think for the hour and a bit till he gets home.....

I am sad when i got get an email from S. in a day.....why it saddens me i do not know...
ha knowing my luck this will last all of 2-3 weeks and he will be gone ......like everyone else other then Solo....

i keep thinking lately that i am going to lose the at weight and i can do it, and i went from being over 300 to under 300 which is amazing to me....
so now all i have to do is get under 200, if i even get a little bit under 200 i would be fucking ecstatic.....no shitting you lol...

im falling for this guy.....S. ....he is more then i expected, seems intelligent, kind, caring, and wanting more then a piece of ass, which means so much more to me....i dont want a piece of ass, if i wanted that then i would either stick with Solo or call someone else, i have options....i dont want that i want more.....oh so much more...

S. wont let me see a picture yet, he hasnt decided if i get to before we meet yet...likes the thought of my nervousness if there is yet to see a picture when we meet.....i dont like that thought...and probably for that sheer fact, now ill have to wait....haha....

Scared

This entire thing scares me, not because I think he will find out and kill me (ok he would never hurt me but you get it)

But because Im scared that Im going to get hurt.....god i am so selfish sometimes, but i dont want to be hurt over it.....i always think i am going to get hurt though no matter what it is.....

le sigh...

i said some things to S. in an email last night that maybe i shouldnt have....i asked questions that i probably shouldnt be thinking of......

but what happens if one or both of us falls and wants to be with the other...full time.....

i also took a few pictures for him ill post them here....show them, i like them and they wont get me in trouble, the only person ill give this too is him....

ill write more later, for now ill go make dinner...

i made a new email today...
ha...
asubmissivesways@live.com nice eh lol...

heres some pictures

The Beginning

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